Have you ever felt like time has stood still for you and keeps racing by for the rest of the world? That's how I feel. I feel like I'm frozen in time but watching it race by for everyone else in my life. But the strange thing is I'm okay with that. I don't want to get any older or any younger, I just want to stay the same, okay well maybe a little thinner. I'm not quite sure how to explain it but I'm stuck in a place were I don't want anything to change but at the same time I want to keep moving forward. I guess I'm just at a crossroads and I don't know where to go.
I can see my friends moving forward and doing wonderful things witht their lives and I'm not really doing anything. I feel stuck. There's so much I want to do but I'm trapped and can't do any of them because I'm to far away from them. That probably doesn't make sense, sorry. What I mean is I've had dreams ever sence I was a little girl and I haven't accomplished any of them. I haven't ever finnished college. And I don't feel like I can accomplish any of these things with out a load of guilt.
How can I grow if I can't even be honest on my own blog. I so aware that just anyone in the world can read this and I fear thier judgments. Jeff says that I shouldn't pay attention to what people think, but if that were how he really felt then why would he not want me to talk about some things with others? But that's not all, we can all pretend that others opinoins don't bother us but to an extent we all care what others think. I feel less self consious when I'm around my friends who are up lifting and supportive, but when it's just me I feel like the world is out to get me. I'm not sure why I'm so aware of what other's think and why I let it affect me so much.
I mean this is my blog and I should be able to say what I want to say, but once I start typing and I think I'm done I always end up pushing the backspace button because the thought of who might read this comes scrolling thru my mind. I feel like I'm wwriting to please others and that doesn't make me feel happy. Who is a blog for anyway? Is it for the author? Or the audieance? I really don't know why I'm so concernd anyway, the only people who read my blog are my best friends and I know that they would never judge me. But there's always that thought "What if someone else just happened upon this?"
I can see my friends moving forward and doing wonderful things witht their lives and I'm not really doing anything. I feel stuck. There's so much I want to do but I'm trapped and can't do any of them because I'm to far away from them. That probably doesn't make sense, sorry. What I mean is I've had dreams ever sence I was a little girl and I haven't accomplished any of them. I haven't ever finnished college. And I don't feel like I can accomplish any of these things with out a load of guilt.
How can I grow if I can't even be honest on my own blog. I so aware that just anyone in the world can read this and I fear thier judgments. Jeff says that I shouldn't pay attention to what people think, but if that were how he really felt then why would he not want me to talk about some things with others? But that's not all, we can all pretend that others opinoins don't bother us but to an extent we all care what others think. I feel less self consious when I'm around my friends who are up lifting and supportive, but when it's just me I feel like the world is out to get me. I'm not sure why I'm so aware of what other's think and why I let it affect me so much.
I mean this is my blog and I should be able to say what I want to say, but once I start typing and I think I'm done I always end up pushing the backspace button because the thought of who might read this comes scrolling thru my mind. I feel like I'm wwriting to please others and that doesn't make me feel happy. Who is a blog for anyway? Is it for the author? Or the audieance? I really don't know why I'm so concernd anyway, the only people who read my blog are my best friends and I know that they would never judge me. But there's always that thought "What if someone else just happened upon this?"
2 comments:
Hmmm, I just had similar thoughts on one of my previous blogs. Who the heck am I writing to? And don't worry, I hit the back space button ALL the time. Some of the things that come out through the keyboard are quite shocking.
And that shows who I'm writing to.
Me.
And it's revealing, and scary, and therapeutic at the same time.
Just keep telling yourself that you DON'T care who reads your blog. Because it's okay to be you.
It's ALWAYS okay to be you.
We all have second guessed ourselves and what we write. I write because I need to see what is in my head and make sense of it all. It doesn't always work and I am still confused. It always makes me feel better.
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