Back to Normal

Well my friends have left and my house is fixed all except for the raccoons living in my attic and my life has gone back to some what normal. I had a great time with tow of my best friends out here. I threatened to lock them in my closet so they'd miss their flights and have to stay longer, but I don't think their families would have appreciated that to much. So even though we had so much fun we had to say goodbye and they went home): I miss you guys!!!!
I really haven't been doing much since they've left. Just cleaning my house, taking care of Jonny, and getting over being sick. Today is really the first day these past couple of weeks I've really felt good. My eight day constant headache is starting to diminish and I be came Supper Mom again. I've been doing laundry, dishes, cooking, and cleaning all day long. And amidst all of that I found time to play with Jonny. I really don't know how I do it all and I don't know how long it will last but I'm enjoying it for now.
Maybe it's a sign, telling me that I'm ready for another baby? I mean I can finally handle this one why not toss another one in the mix. I really want one it's just that the timing isn't right. Or is it? I had a dream last night that I was pregnant with quadruplets. If dreams really do predict the future than I'm in for a really busy future!

Relief

My reinforcements are almost here. I've been spending the last few days cleaning and organizing my home. It helps to pass the time. Why would I want to pass the time one might ask? Well my two best friends from Utah are flying in tomorrow and I've been waiting it seems like forever. I'm so happy they were able to come, now I get to show them around town and catch up on lost time. I've got a lot planned for us to do but I mostly expect to sit around most of the time talking and talking and talking. It's what we do best!
Besides all of the excitement of awaiting their arrival a lot has been happening here. Jonny has been supper clingy and cranky. We thought that maybe he was sick but he wasn't showing any other sings so we just put up with it. Then today he got a fever and it kept going up even though he was given Tylenol. I'm going to have to take him to the doctor tomorrow. Thank goodness for military health care. He's been sick so much recently and been to the doctor that I don't know how else we'd be able to afford it. I just hope it's not another ear infection. The people who manage our housing are finally fixing our house problems, so my house has been in shambles. But I'm not complaining, at least their finally fixing the stuff. It's just to bad they couldn't do it earlier, like three months ago earlier when I first told them about it. All in all things are going well and I have a lot to look forward two :)

Lost

Have you ever felt like time has stood still for you and keeps racing by for the rest of the world? That's how I feel. I feel like I'm frozen in time but watching it race by for everyone else in my life. But the strange thing is I'm okay with that. I don't want to get any older or any younger, I just want to stay the same, okay well maybe a little thinner. I'm not quite sure how to explain it but I'm stuck in a place were I don't want anything to change but at the same time I want to keep moving forward. I guess I'm just at a crossroads and I don't know where to go.
I can see my friends moving forward and doing wonderful things witht their lives and I'm not really doing anything. I feel stuck. There's so much I want to do but I'm trapped and can't do any of them because I'm to far away from them. That probably doesn't make sense, sorry. What I mean is I've had dreams ever sence I was a little girl and I haven't accomplished any of them. I haven't ever finnished college. And I don't feel like I can accomplish any of these things with out a load of guilt.
How can I grow if I can't even be honest on my own blog. I so aware that just anyone in the world can read this and I fear thier judgments. Jeff says that I shouldn't pay attention to what people think, but if that were how he really felt then why would he not want me to talk about some things with others? But that's not all, we can all pretend that others opinoins don't bother us but to an extent we all care what others think. I feel less self consious when I'm around my friends who are up lifting and supportive, but when it's just me I feel like the world is out to get me. I'm not sure why I'm so aware of what other's think and why I let it affect me so much.
I mean this is my blog and I should be able to say what I want to say, but once I start typing and I think I'm done I always end up pushing the backspace button because the thought of who might read this comes scrolling thru my mind. I feel like I'm wwriting to please others and that doesn't make me feel happy. Who is a blog for anyway? Is it for the author? Or the audieance? I really don't know why I'm so concernd anyway, the only people who read my blog are my best friends and I know that they would never judge me. But there's always that thought "What if someone else just happened upon this?"

Saving My Tears

There's this show on the Lifetime network called Army Wives about army wives and what they go through as a spouse to an American soldier. It's about fictional families but real issues. So as I watch this show I find that I can relate to what these women are going through. The most recent episode was about their husbands leaving on deployment. As I watched in tears at the heart wrenching scene of the soldiers getting on a plan waving goodbye to their families, not knowing if they will ever see them again, I knew that one day that will be me. One day I will have to say goodbye to my husband as he leaves for war, and the worst part is I won't be able to just fall apart but I will have to be strong for my husband but mostly for my children. How do you do that? How do you say strong and put together when all you want to do inside is scream and cry? How do you go on when you want to curl up die because the pain is to much?
Of course my husband hasn't gone anywhere yet and probably won't for a while, but the thought is always in the back of my mind. And yes, I knew that him leaving was a possibility when he joined. But it never seemed so real until now. And it pains me to hear our fellow Americans say bad thing's about the military and the soldiers and their families. If only they knew how much our soldiers sacrifice to keep the freedom of this country.
Okay so I know that this was just a bunch of jumbled up thoughts and they probably don't make any sense, but I just had to get it all out. I can't let my heart ache forever.
So to all those who read this, whether your pro military or against, just remember those are real people and behind those uniforms and they have real feelings and real families just like you and me. Give them a break and ask your self how you would feel if you were in their shoes.